Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
