Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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