Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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