the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
