I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
