Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wish I only lived at night.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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