I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
