last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
