Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
