you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
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i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
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I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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