Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
