what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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