guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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