I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.