my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.