Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
