I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
