I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
