it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i dont even know how to be here
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
