You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
