You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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