if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me i tasted like america
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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