New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Randomize
