1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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