every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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