wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
