If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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