hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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