my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize