bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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