I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
