somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
