happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
