Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
