listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
