Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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