im drinking this country out of the recession.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
