So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
