I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
