We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
