I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
