Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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