Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
