I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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