the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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