she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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