if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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