Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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