Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
