Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
