You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
