So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
