i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
