Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
