How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
