im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
