I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
