I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
