This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
