Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
